


Grace

by cjbloomfield



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barson, F/M, Fluff, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:00:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23398867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjbloomfield/pseuds/cjbloomfield
Summary: "Our hearts — can't — live in the same space, so tell me how to break yours with grace."In an alternative universe, Rafael Barba is the Executive Assistant District Attorney instead of David Haden. How could have things have turned out differently? Would they have gotten caught? Would Rafael pick Olivia? Or would he pick the job over their love too?
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 22
Kudos: 62





	1. ren·dez·vous

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ceruleanblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ceruleanblue/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rendezvous  
> ren·dez·vous (noun) /ˈrändəˌvo͞o,ˈrändāˌvo͞o/  
> — a meeting at an agreed time and place, typically between two people.

“Where are we going, Raf?” Olivia looks over to the driver's seat, Rafael sat upright, his left hand gripping the steering wheel, his right hand intertwined with Olivia’s.

“Why can’t it just be a surprise, Liv?” He chuckles at the look she shot him.

“It was ultimately your decision to date a detective, don’t get upset now because I ruin all your surprises.” She chides lightly as she runs her thumb over the smooth skin of his knuckles.

Rafael sighs in defeat, glancing over at Olivia for a minuscule moment, he couldn’t help but take in her radiant beauty. Her long brown tresses flowed ever so perfectly along her face, falling a few inches below her shoulders. Her skin glowed under the setting sun, her smile illuminating everything around her. “There’s this quaint disco roller rink down in Staten Island I’ve been meaning to take you to, seeing as we both have this weekend off I thought why not make a little trip out of it it. I snuck your overnight bag into the trunk and I booked us a cozy little bed-and-breakfast.” He smiles sweetly, Olivia can feel his emotions from the two-second glance they shared.

“Did you say rollerblading?” Her eyes widened, nearly bulging out of her head.

“Don’t tell me that _the_ Olivia Benson can’t rollerblade?” Rafael smirks, but not taking his eyes off of the open road of the I-95 in front of him.

“Oh, that is exactly what I am telling you, Rafael Barba!”

“Hm, that’s reassuring, I guess that means I get to hold you all night— you know to make sure you don’t fall or anything,” Rafael states as he pulls out of the toll plaza merging onto the I-278. He pulls Olivia’s hand towards his mouth to plant a line of gentle kisses down the supple skin starting with her knuckles, past her wrist, and into her inner forearm.

“Rafi!” Olivia pulls her arm away from his lips, hitting his chest, “Attention in the road! Not me!” She chastises.

“I’m starting to rethink our plans for the night, I think I just want you all to myself,” He all but purrs.

“Uh, uh! I was promised a night of being held under the low lit light of a disco ball. So how about, we go to the roller rink I embarrass myself, you catch me and hold me close for the remainder of our time there, then you wine and dine me for dinner; and lastly, I’ll be your dessert.” Olivia’s voice is low and husky-arousal laced into each word she spoke.

“I wouldn’t want anything else mi amor,”

Mysterious and spontaneous dates are no new feat for the couple since the two have been canoodling in secrecy for the past five and a half months-finding all the romantic, trendy, and cozy spots across the four Burroughs and into New Jersey- anywhere that wasn’t Manhattan.

The couple ventured out of their way to spend time together where no one knew their names; which meant never in Manhattan, risky in Brooklyn, and far less often in the Bronx.

But they didn’t mind, Rafael & Olivia enjoyed the time away from the city, where they got to be unequivocally themselves; when the couple walked the streets of Long Island hand in hand they didn’t have to worry about pretenses, or work, or ethics! Whenever the couple found themselves in Jersey City or Hoboken they allow themselves to make out in public as if they are frivolous horny teenagers and not have to worry about who could see them or how their Public Displays of Affection could affect their jobs.

The further the couple traveled out of the borders of New York City, the more they allow themselves to be a couple, _a real couple_ , who do real couple things like holding hands in public; walking with their arms wrapped around each other; kissing on impulse or whenever the hell they felt like it; going to the movies; having dinner dates in the hottest, most crowded, and popular restaurants in town; going shopping together, sharing a dressing room, always touching the other because they just can’t help themselves.

Rafael and Olivia felt young and giddy, like teenagers in love-but this is the happiest they’d been in years.

And they _never_ wanted that to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an idea and might as well post it since I'm stuck with nothing to do in this quarantine!


	2. ho·rol·o·gy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horology  
> ho·rol·o·gy (noun) /həˈräləjē/  
> — the study and measurement of time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would've had this chapter up yesterday, but a glitch with my laptop deleted the whole thing *internal screams* so I'm just going to apologize — sorry, the first time I wrote this chapter, it was wayyy better!

A knock on the office door scares the bejesus out of Rafael, he clutches his chest with his right hand inhaling deeply, he wasn't expecting visitors today, and especially not at 6 in the morning, the building usually a ghost town until 8.

"Come in!" He calls clearing his throat, Olivia steps through the door carrying a decent sized brown paper bag from his favorite cafe up the street. A smile overtakes his face. 

Olivia looked gorgeous as always, her hair a decadent shade of chocolate brown accented with subtle golden honey highlights; immediately he felt lost in the warmth of her aura-completely drowning in the pools of chocolate abyss she calls eyes. The color black never graced this earth as eloquently and heavenly as it does lay upon her delicate radiant skin. The fitted long sleeve black-v cut-dress clung to Olivia's body, outlining her breathtaking features; her plump breast sat high on her chest, the dark material of her dress stretched across the expanse of her hips and well-rounded meaty ass as if it were a second skin.

The soft gentle smile resting gently across her supple lips stole the air from his lungs. 

"The roses you sent were beautiful," Olivia speaks, breaking Rafael out of his trance. "All six dozen of them," she raises a single eyebrow. 

"What can I say? _You_ , Olivia Benson, deserve the _absolute_ best, and nothing less." She steps closer to her boyfriend, placing the paper bag on the oak desk he'd been leaning on. 

"Way to make my surprise-my-boyfriend-with-his-favorite-breakfast-in-his-office-gesture look like chump change, Counselor." Olivia presses into his chest, leaning up to press a passionate kiss on his soft lips. 

"I don't need breakfast, this, I'm good with more of this," Rafael mumbles against his girlfriend's lips, leaning in to capture her lips with his once again. His hands soon dropped below her waist, rubbing large circles onto her buttocks, "A dozen roses for every blissful month we've spent together," his lips trailing from her swollen pink ones, down toward her jaw, slowly making his way to the crook of her neck.

"Rafa!" Olivia gasps as her boyfriend gently bites down on the sweet spot on her neck, "Rafi, we're in public."

"Olivia," Rafael groans against the warmth of her skin, "Did you come here to tease me?" He pulled away, to get a good look at his girlfriend, grabbing fist fulls of her lovely plump ass-pressing her into his chest. 

"I came to surprise you with breakfast if you remember," She smirks resting her head on his shoulder, "These have been the _best_ six months of my life, Rafael, thank you." Olivia inhales his scent in complete contentment. 

"Happy six-month anniversary, baby." He hesitated, before taking her chin in between his thumb and pointer fingers, the loving gaze they share is intense, all unspoken feelings swirling around in the pools of emerald green and honey brown.

 _'I love you,'_ he bit back

She could _see_ it

She could _feel_ it

But she just couldn't bring herself to _say_ it

"My place tonight, right? I took the day off to prep for dinner," she smiled up at him.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world, babe." He leaned down pressing a bruising kiss to her lips, "I'll see you at 6," 

"Happy anniversary, baby." She pecks his lips one more time, "Enjoy your breakfast, I have to get out of here before anyone sees me or better yet us," she chuckles, winking, emphatically swaying her hips on her way out. 

"Oy vey, she is going to be the death of me," Rafael chortles, loosening his tie as he plops down in his seat unwrapping his smoked salmon bagel, finding it comical how his breakfast matched his outfit for the day.

Rafael could barely contain his excitement for later.

* * *

Olivia laid flatly on her back, chest heaving as she came down from another orgasm, Rafael‘s head laid between her legs, his mouth glistening, cheek pillowed on her stomach, as she ran her fingers through his dark tresses. “Dinner was delicious but I think you tasted better,” Olivia blushed a deep crimson red at his comment, the heat entering her cheeks just from the thought.

Rafael insisted on going down on her, even after he’d already came inside of her. Olivia couldn’t lie, his insistence turned her on, made her feel desired, made her feel _loved_.

And God did she love him.

There was no doubt in her mind that she loved him. There’s not a fiber in her being that didn’t love him. It frustrated her how much and how deeply she felt for him and how quickly she fell.

She didn’t want to ruin this, she _couldn’t_ ruin this.

He was too important, they were too important for her to fuck up.

So she constantly reminded herself to swallow all the love she felt for him until the time was right, she refused to scare him away by saying the _“L-word”_ too quickly.

“You really blew me away with your Abuelita’s ropa vieja recipe for our three month anniversary. It reminded me so much of all the good times I spent with my own grandmother in the kitchen...” Olivia’s voice trails off dreamily, “The last thing my nonna ever taught me how to make was Scoglioand Cassata Siciliana, I’ll never forget it, it was the same day I came home with a pamphlet from the police academy, she convinced me to go to college first, and made me promise not to give my entire life to the force because she wanted me to share a life with someone special— to create a life with them.” She paused subconsciously, glancing down at her boyfriend, her heartbeat accelerating significantly.

“My mom came home in a drunken haze, yelling, and swinging as per usual. My nonna held me with trembling fingers and teary eyes, whenever my mom got bad and my nonna was around we’d just cook in silence until the tension broke. That night we made fresh linguine and picked up live scallops and clams from the local fish market—it was my birthday she wanted everything to be perfect for me. She wrote down all her favorite recipes in a leather-bound notebook with a sparkly gold pen. That night as we cooked and baked we wrote them down together, she never let anyone touch her recipe book. I was honored that she left it with me that night.” Olivia inhaled deeply, “She died three days later,” Olivia bit down on her bottom lip. “This is the first time I’ve made these dishes since she died when I was 16.” Olivia mindlessly spoke as she carded her fingers through his hair.

“Really?” Rafael tilted his head up to get a better look into her mesmerizing honey brown eyes.

“Yeah,” she smiled down at him, “I wanted to make it for you because you’re special to me.” Rafael props himself up, crawling the length of her body, placing sweet yet carnal kisses at every junctionof her body until he made it back to her lips. Rafael pours every once of his emotions onto her lips.

“Rafa,” Olivia mumbles against his lips.

“Hm?” Rafael responds, his lips never leaving hers, in fact, he ups his exploration of her mouth with his tongue.

“Raf, I want you to taste my dessert,” Olivia whined into the kiss.

“I had dessert, and you are decadent.” Rafael quips, attacking her lips once again.

“Rafael, I love you, but I spent over 4 hours making that damn cake, and I want you to try it,” Olivia argues, not realizing the slip of the tongue she’d just made.

“Do you mean it?” Rafael pulls away from his girlfriend, sitting up in the process.

“That I want you to try my nonna’s cake?” Olivia’s blank stare is filled with confusion.

“No, Olivia. That you love me?” A lump forms in the back of her throat.

“I’m so—Don’t leave—please I didn’t—“ As Olivia begins to panic, unable to process the words fighting their way to the tip of her tongue. Rafael silences her senseless babble with a searing kiss.

“I love you, Olivia Benson,” Rafael admits.

Olivia finds herself speechless, her eyes moisten, and with the look on his face, she confirms all her feelings.

“I love you too, Rafael Barba.” She whispers. Their lips meet in an all-encompassing kiss.

“Let’s should disclose, on Monday,” Rafael states in between kisses.

“Raf—“

“Liv, we can’t hide forever. I want _this_ , _us_ , to last but we won’t work if our relationship is built on secrecy and deception.”

“But our jobs, we’re a conflict of interest..”

“I’ll pick you, Detective, every time.” Her eyes soften, she wanted to fight him, to tell him he shouldn’t have to pick, that if they were meant to be they wouldn’t be an ultimatum-but her mouth didn’t budge, she looked into his eyes and smiled. “If we get ahead of this we won’t have to worry about repercussions, I’ll take a slap on the wrist if it means I get you in the end.” Rafael pulls her into his lap.

“Okay,” She cups the side of his face.

“Okay?” Rafael asks hesitantly.

“Okay.” Olivia nods excitedly.

“Okay!” Rafael scoops Olivia into his arms, twirling her naked body around the room in elation. “I’m gonna grab us dessert and wine,” Rafael grinned from ear to ear as he threw on his undershirt over his head and lazily stuck his legs through the gray sweatpants he pulled from his go-bag he left in her apartment—completely void of underwear.

She admires the outline of his ass on the way out. Olivia throws on the nearest articles of clothing, which just happened to belong to Rafael.

Olivia slid across the floor in Rafael’s long socks, dancing in pure giddy.

Rafael held the tray of dessert and drinks, leaning into the door jam.

“Detective Benson, are you wearing my underwear?” Rafael smirks,

“Why yes I am, counselor, is there a problem?” She meets him at the entrance, stealing a kiss.

“Mm, no, I think I like you wearing my clothes, they look better on you.” He leads her to the bed.

“I want to see your reaction,” She shovels a piece of cake into his mouth.

“Dios Mio, Olivia! This is amazing.” He takes the fork from her, scarfing down the rest of the treat on the plate.

Olivia leans back onto the bedpost, enjoying the view, complete adoration in her eyes.

“Thank you,” Rafael smiles softly.

“For?”

“For telling me about your nonna. For working through the pain to make tonight special for us. For being you and loving me despite all the risks, thank you.” Olivia is rendered speechless.

He pecks her lips, tasting of fresh sweet ricotta and Merlot.

“Here, I’ll take these back to the sink, and you can prep for whatever you have planned next.”

Just as Rafael finished placing the tray in the sink and wrapping up the leftovers to store in the fridge he moves to clear the small table in which they had dinner before he starts washing the dishes. He’s distracted by a knock on the door, his face contorts in confusion. Who’d be visiting his girlfriend after 9 PM on a Friday?

A grave feeling of calamity settling in his stomach as he reaches the door, hesitantly twisting the doorknob.

“Olivia, they said you took a personal day—“ Bayard Ellis spoke at the swing of the door, his eyes never leaving the screen of his iPhone 4s. The sight bestowed before him, rendered him speechless. “Executive Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba? What are you doing in Detective Benson’s apartment?” He tilts his head to the side taking in the prosecutor’s appearance; a wrinkled, white, fruit of the loom v-neck t-shirt; slightly stained gray sweatpants that looked as if they were saved to wear during spring cleaning; his hair a mess, as if it’d been tousled or played with; and his feet-no socks, no shoes, just bare feet on the cold hardwood floors.

“Rafa whose at the door?” Olivia stops dead in her tracks, like a deer in headlights-she was caught in a state of paralyzing surprise.

Ellis looked her up and down, taking in her aspect; the post-sex glow was evident, the wild bed head not making discernment very difficult; Olivia was clad with an oversized long sleeve salmon-colored button-up dress shirt; a pair of bright teal and salmon striped knee socks, which fit too largely on her feet; and the only visible bottoms were a pair of men’s loose-fitting white boxer briefs.

“I guess it’s safe to assume you two weren’t comparing notes for trial on Monday,” Bayard speaks, his eyes aghast. “Do I have the liberty to ask the nature of your relationship?”

“Bayard—” Olivia finally shakes her bewildered state.

“No, Olivia. I can’t believe you of all people would involve yourself in such an act of impropriety.” Bayard pinches his nose bridge in an attempt to calm down. “Is this why our precious EADA has been so incessant with overzealously charging my client? His refusal to drop the charges? Filing motions to include here say testimony, barely reliable eyewitness line up identifications, and purely circumstantial evidence to save Detective Benson from the firing squad?” He snickers darkly. “You played me for a fool, Olivia.”

“Bayard, you know I would never!” Olivia steps in front of Rafael pushing him out of the door jam and back into the apartment. “I’ve been trying to make this right, Omar has been wrongfully imprisoned for eight years, because of me. Counselor Barba has _nothing_ to do with this!”

“I don’t know about _that_ , but what I do know is what I saw here tonight,” Bayard peers further into the apartment, noting the six dozen roses placed across the kitchen island, two empty plates and sets of utensils, and an unlit candle at the center of the table. ”And what I haven’t seen down at 1 Police Plaza or District Attorney's Office—A disclosure.” He shakes his head wistfully.

“Ellis, you’re a good lawyer, you don’t have to stoop to this. Detective Benson is not one of those Good Ol Boy Detectives, she’s been killing herself trying to fix—“ Barba tries to reason.

“I have an innocent man sitting in prison, and I have a way to get him out tonight.You two have made your bed, now it’s time to lie in it. But you know what, Olivia, I do know you well enough to know you don’t have a malicious bone in your body. It’s Friday, I won’t be bothering an appeals judge tonight. Enjoy your weekend, you two have until Monday to make your decision or right this grave miscarriage of justice,” a doleful grimace plastered on his face.

“Bayard—“ Olivia steps forward, “Bayard, just give me time to fix this, I’ll catch the real rapist—” He woefully turns away, “Ellis don’t do this!” Olivia cries out, his steps never falter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scoglio: Sicilian seafood pasta  
> Cassata Siciliana: a traditional sweet from Sicily, Italy. Cassata consists of round sponge cake moistened with fruit juices or liqueur and layered with ricotta cheese and candied fruit


	3. la·men·t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lament  
> la·men·t (noun)  
> —mourn (a person's loss or death)  
> —a passionate expression of grief or sorrow  
> —express regret or disappointment over something considered unsatisfactory, unreasonable, or unfair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She's short, but she gets the job done, lol. Not my best work but it's been hard to find the motivation to do anything these days, I'll most likely come back and edit/rewrite this chapter.

“Olivia,” Rafael calls as he steps off the elevator and into the squad room of the one-six. “Olivia, it’s been 36 hours, you need sleep, please—“

“Raf—I’m—I have to figure this out, for us, for Omar. I have to make this right.” Olivia profusely shakes her head.

“Olivia, you can’t help anyone if you’re sleep deprived or pass out from malnourishment and exhaustion.” He sits in the corner edge of her desk, his green orbs peer warmly into her golden brown ones.

“Did you bring me food?” She asks bashfully, the roaring growl of her stomach would’ve been loud enough to frighten the entirety of squad room if the couple weren’t the only two present.

“No, I made you food,” he smirked, “it’s back at my apartment.”

“Rafael I can’t leave I have to figure this out—“

“Take the files with you, you’ll eat and I’ll stay up all night sorting through this mess with you, we’ll get to the bottom of this. _Together_.”

She was timorous at first, then reluctantly began to pack up the case files and her running legal pads of notes.

* * *

“We’ve gotten nowhere!” Olivia sighs in frustration, aggressively pulling at her unkempt tresses. “The words don’t even make sense anymore, it’s like all the facts, circumstantial evidence, and words are blurring into each other!”

“Liv, baby, I think your eyes are exhausted. Take a break. Take a nap.” Rafael pulls his girlfriend into his side, coaxing her into a moment of rest.

“I’m starting to think that maybe we should just—“

“—Olivia, no!” Rafael shakes his head, pulling her closer into his side.

“I knew from the moment that I met you this wasn't right, you are _too perfect_ to be real, to be _for me_ , to _last_." Olivia pulls out of his embrace unwillingly, “Our work is too important, I can’t make you choose which matters most to you. I know I shouldn’t have pursued _this. You. Us._ Butfrom the moment you smiled at me and said hello I couldn't leave you alone, I tried to talk myself out of this at the beginning but you have this gravitational pull and I was addicted after the first taste cause you treated me so damn right.” Olivia stood, her back facing the man she loves so deeply and thoroughly.

“Olivia...no. We can figure this out.” Rafael follows after her, “Olivia look at me, please!”

“I’d hate to see the look on your face,” Olivia’s voice trembles, the storm wreaking havoc on her heart and mind fought its way to the surface, making itself known through the cracking of her soft yet broken voice.

Olivia didn’t have the strength to turn and look her love in his shiny emerald green eyes, that she loved so much—she’d never be able to walk away from him and their union if she did.

“Olivia...baby?” Rafa silently pleads, his eyes meeting hers, “Is there nothing I can do? Nothing I can say to change your mind?” The tears building in his eyes matches her tear for tear.

The silence overwhelmed the room, Olivia choked out a sob before she spoke up.

“You shower me with roses and the most thoughtful and beautiful gifts; you look like God accidentally let you out of heaven—the face of an angel. You love me so good, I could cry. If I could give up all those things just to have you and your soul, I would in a heartbeat.” Her eyes flickered to the clock on the wall, her jumbled thoughts running through her mind, her barely coherent thoughts leaving the protective custody of her lips as word vomit. “I wish I could make myself stay, I don’t just love you, Rafael Barba, I am in love with you. I think you’re the love of my life.” She swallows thickly, running her fingers across the stubble growing along his jaw.

“There is _nothing_ wrong with you, Barba. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, the truth is you’re a _damn_ good guy, the best man I’ve ever met and I want nothing more than to be with you but…the hand we were dealt— Our hearts can’t occupy in the same space, so tell me how to break yours with grace,” Olivia’s lower lip trembles.

* * *

Rafael’s eyes fixated on the outdated stucco ceiling, a long-vacant look is all that remains on his face. Silent uncontrollable sobs rocked through his body. He felt as if he was floating and drowning simultaneously— as if he’d learned to levitate but his free-flowing movements were congested by the god awful popcorn ceilings.

_Why can't it just be easy?_

He loves her, she is the love of his life, why the _hell_ isn’t that enough? Why does there _always_ have to be a catch?

Can’t he just catch a break just once in his life? Couldn’t that break be the happiness he found with Olivia Benson?

In six months, Rafael Barba had been the happiest he could ever recall feeling in his entire miserable life.

Rafael’s bloodshot eyes finally drifted toward the clock on his bedside table, (for the first time in what felt like days but was really an hour or two) Rafael was reminded that he was still alive—laying in his what used to be comfortable Tempur-pedic mattress (that now just felt like a vague black hole without Olivia laying next to him).

Rafael grimaced, he had to be up for court in a little under two hours, but his heart didn’t think it could make it through the night. His mind was running far too wild to even consider resting.

Rafael felt utterly destroyed.

He wished he could just get out his god damn head.

What is there left to say?

How was he supposed to carry on when Olivia just walked out of his life and took half of his heart with her?


	4. re·mis·sion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remission  
> re·mis·sion (noun) /rəˈmiSH(ə)n/  
> — a diminution of the seriousness or intensity of disease or pain; a [period of] recovery  
> — the reduction of a [...] sentence, especially as a reward for good behavior  
> — forgiveness of sins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to my love, Luisa (:  
> may you enjoy this!

Olivia felt as if she’d merely been floating through the spacetime continuum from the moment she stepped outside of Rafael’s door.

This wasn’t even existence at this point, she felt like the shell of the woman she once was.

Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

The pain she felt thrumming in her chest was indescribable— uncontainable

But she wouldn’t trade the six months she spent loving Rafael and being loved by Rafael to get the pain to stop.

Would she ever stop loving him?

Would she ever find love again?

She was _so sure_ Rafael was the one— in the happiness, the health, the longevity, the passion, and just about everything else they shared in their six short months they spent together— now they couldn’t be together _at all, in any capacity_ and that was the biggest wrench life had ever thrown in her plans.

And even so, in the grand scheme of things if she was never meant to cross paths with Rafael— if every scenario and circumstance still lead them to such an ill-fated heartbreak, _she’d still have chosen to love Rafael than to save herself the pain and heartbreak and never have loved him at all._

Olivia dragged herself out of her cold and empty queen-sized bed, unable to catch a wink of sleep.

With the drag of her feet Olivia made it out of bed, standing under the numbing fall of the showerhead, how long had she even been in here?

She found she was barely able to look at herself in the mirror because all she saw were all the little things Rafael loved about her face; the way her eyes twinkled when she first woke, or when she was confused, or whenever she smiled or laughed, but most importantly whenever she looked at him, her eyes sparkled like the night sky on the Fourth of July; her eyes dulled as the morning dragged on, unsure if she felt relief or unburdened sorrow at the lack of gleam in her eyes.

She could barely stomach the sight of her freckles that littered her entire face— never forgetting the night he spent an hour placing sloppy wet kisses all over her face when he first discovered she had freckles, he was determined to adorn each and every freckle that graced her face with love— it seemed there was no amount of concealer or foundation that could cover up those memories;

She wanted to cut off her all hair— her long chocolate and honey tresses so maybe she wouldn’t _still_ feel his long stout fingers running through her unkempt wavy knots at all hours of the night.

Time began to blur as she stared at the opened refrigerator, the only food present was the perfectly wrapped leftovers from what was and forever be the best Friday night of her life, and oh, how they taunted her, she had half a mind to throw them out the window— God, how things could change _so_ quickly. But the sorrow won, her lower lip trembled and she ran her fingers across the surface of the Saran Wrap as if his hands were still there.

She closed the fridge, there wasn’t an appetite big enough to get her to touch those leftovers, from a happier, if not the happiest time of her life— not that she had an appetite anyway.

The Keurig’s timer set to automatically brew coffee at 8:30 dinged, the aroma of Cuban coffee filled her nostrils— her heart broke, even more, she didn’t think that was possible; her stomach dropped not only was her appetite shot but now the nausea began to stir in her chest; Olivia’s eyes began to water, unable to stomach any more reminders of him she slipped on her boots, grabbed her cellphone and purse, and made her way out of the apartment almost forgetting to lock the door behind her—subconsciously she wanted someone, _anyone,_ to break in and steal all her earthly possessions because everything she owned somehow reminded her of him.

* * *

Rafael ran up behind Olivia on the courthouse steps, taking her by surprise he grabs her by her elbow spinning her around to face him— immediately his lips connected with hers. On instinct Olivia kisses him back, melting into his grasp, his arms wrap around her waist, her hands cup his face.

“Rafael!” Olivia gasps, her eyes nearly flying out of their socket.

“I closed my eyes and tried to catch a few moments of rest after you walked out and ultimately I was just waiting for the sun to rise, but daylight just seemed so far away. I tried to count sheep, read, listen to my favorite symphonies— but they all reminded me of you. I tried to picture my life without you but all I could find are faded images from some distant life and found myself praying to a God I haven’t spoken to in years, for another chance just to see your eyes.” Rafael studies her face, afraid he’ll never get the chance to count the dark freckles spattered so eloquently across her wondrous face, the freckles so known and burned into his mind not even makeup could conceal. “I don’t have some cure-all magic potion to fix this but all I know is, we're better of together than we ever were alone so if you let me try just give me time, Olivia, I promise, I will find a way to help you ease your troubled mind.”

“Raf? What are you talking about?” She glances around, taking note of all the wondering eyes failing to make it seem as if they weren’t paying attention.

“I recused myself. I applied for a lateral transfer back to Brooklyn. If that’s what it takes to get to be with you Olivia Benson, I’ll do it. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. The career, the accolades, the promotions, none of that means anything to me if I don’t have someone to share it with if I don’t have _you_ to share it with. I refuse to let this career dictate my life any longer. No, I will _NOT_ allow other circumstances to win this time, I just want you back. I'm running to your side flying my white flag. Whenever you're ready. Can we surrender?” Rafael peers intently into her pools of chocolate brown, “If it’s between you or the job? It’s _You._ It will _always be you,_ Olivia Benson.”

“Raf, I told you, I can’t let you choose me, not after everything you’ve worked so hard for, you'll resent me in the long run—“

“You aren’t making me do anything, Olivia. I’m doing this because people dream of what you and I have found, so effortlessly." He cupped her face gently between his trembling hands, "You're the reason that when everything I know falls apart, _you're_ the reason I will still come home.” He wipes the few free-falling tears with his quivering thumbs.

“Mm, you drink your whiskey, and I’ll sip my wine?” A small smirk breaks through the surface of her face, she places her hand over his to steady him. “And when we're doing well, sitting around watching the world falling down?” The worry begins to build in her eyes once again. 

“When you're feeling low, I'll lead you home, back to me, take you back to where you're from, I'll keep you safe, Don't be afraid, Olivia. Not when you're with me.” He barely speaks above a whisper.

“Rafa, I love you...but I’m—I’m scared,” Olivia’s voice cracks unintentionally.

“Scared? Of me? I’d never hurt you, Olivia. What are you afraid of?” Rafael’s eyes supplicate with Olivia.

“My mother made the decision to keep me, _she chose me,_ of her own volition, yet she resented me, until the day she died. I can’t—I couldn’t live with myself if you grew to hate me too,” Olivia shook her head, fighting the tears battling to the surface.

“Not even in another lifetime, I would never change my mind.” Rafael inched his face closer, “I would do it all again a thousand times.” Olivia closed the gap, their lips met for what felt like the first time in years.

At his lips touch her heart blossomed like a flower at the dawn of spring. 

Rafael tilted her head up to get better access to her lips as he continued the attack on her supple appendages, softly at first, gradually increasing the intensity and passion of their dancing lips, made her cling to him as if he was the only solid thing in this cruel dizzy unsteady world.

His mouth was insistent, parting her hungry lips, he kissed her like her lips were the last sip of water on Earth, he awoke her sensations and feelings she’d never known she was capable of feeling.

Breathing deeply, they remained standing never parting, taking this moment to breathe and share air. At this moment Rafael felt like a child, astonished by the love brewing his chest for the woman before him.

What felt like an abundance of knowledge and things worth learning, opened up before Olivia’s eyes as she realized, _this_ , was all she wanted and nothing else.

And by the _Grace_ of God and everything good and pure in the universe he was all hers and she, his.

Olivia was ready to fall and Rafael never hesitating to catch her.

“I love you,” he whispered against his lips.

“I know,” she smiled embracing his warmth, “I love you too.” She inhaled his scent. “Never leave me,” she mumbles into the crook of his neck.

“There but for the _Grace_ of God and love and happiness, go I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There but for the grace of God [...] (go I): A phrase used when one has avoided a bad or unpleasant situation and credits the direction, blessings, or assistance of God (or some higher power).


End file.
